Hi. This is my first time doing this. Writing a blog, I mean. I’ve spoken to people before. Everyone has to at one point in their life, right? So be patient with me?
You see, this is a huge step for me, rambling on for everyone to see. I much rather be in the background, without a lot of people noticing me.
Why am I writing this, then? Well, maybe because I’m bored, or maybe because I need to tell all y’all something, in hopes (I guess) of finding out I’m not alone.
You see, I’m terrified of intimacy.
No, not sexual intimacy. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about letting people get close.
Now, if you knew me, you’d be all “But you’re one of the most outgoing people I know. What are you talking about?”
Well, let’s be real. I don’t really get to hang out with people all that often. Most of the time, if you see me, I’m joking around with my coworkers. Yeah. That’s cool.
I’m totally okay with that type of friendship. It doesn’t entail me getting close to them. Just being nice. Just being kind. Sharing a smile, a joke, and a laugh.
I’m totally okay with meeting new people too. Just don’t expect to know the real me quickly.
You see, I’m terrified of intimacy.
Yes, I know—I said that already. I’m making a point.
You see, I’m not prone to trusting to people. And I’m not entirely sure why. So, if you’re close to me, and you know how I’m REALLY doing, then consider yourself lucky.
Oh, and I lied. I know why I have such a hard time trusting people. But telling you that story means that I trust you. Sooooooo yeah.
If you met me, I’d probably seem like the happiest, most optimistic person you’ve ever run into.
Welp, that’s a mask.
While I don’t identify myself by my temperament, I might as well let you in on a little secret that might help you understand me. I’m melancholic-phlegmatic.
So while I’m joking around with you and seemingly like I’m having a good time, I am. But everyone once in a small amount of time? I’m second-guessing everything I’m doing and saying. And doing so, I’m quite often a wreck (like the Eminem song—“His knees are weak, palms are sweaty; He’s nervous but on the surface he looks calms and ready…”)
I’m my own worst critic, and my dear friends know it. Anyone else with me on that one?
But if I stop and think about it, I think I know all too well why I’m scared of intimacy.
Maybe the reason I’m afraid of getting close to people is because I’m afraid of getting close to God
Scared of getting close to God? That’s ridiculous!
Is it really though? Think about it.
Being close to God means that you’re going Him the ability to influence decisions in your life. In essence, it means you’re giving Him Control.
Now, I don’t know about you, but to be perfectly honest, giving God control over my life scares me. Why? Because it means that I’m letting Him have a huge part in deciding my future.
Well, why is that such a big deal? Well, my “problem” is that I am a planner. Essentially, I like to know what I’m going to be, when I’m going to be doing it, where it’s gonna happen, and who will I be doing said thing with?
See, there are so many times where I say “okay God, here, take control.”
And then He asks me to do something I didn’t plan for. And like a spoiled child who doesn’t want to share, I rip the reins from His loving hands and say “oh that’s great God, just not right now.”
Do you ever do that? Please tell me I’m not alone in this.
You see, I was up late last night, and I was thinking (A dangerous pastime I know), maybe the reason I desire control so much is because it comes down to pride.
Like, when we say “no” to God, in reality what we’re doing is saying “Hey, God? That’s a great idea, but my way is better, so no thanks.”
So maybe what we all need to start doing, little by little, is saying “Hey God, that’s a great idea. I want to do it my way, but you’re asking me to trust you. So help me trust you.”
Maybe it’s time to let go of what you and I want the most: Control.
Perhaps it’s just the sleeplessness, but that’s what I came up with.
Either way, it’s food for thought.
Catch ya later,